Because of You
by oldmoviewatcher
Summary: A Songfic based on Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You."  Also my musings on what Ziva thinks in relation to her father.


**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or Kelly Clarkson's Song **_**Because of You**_**. If I owned either of them, I would have mucho dinero (hehe, "pretty, pretty money"- Parker, **_**Leverage**_**) I also don't own the show **_**Leverage**_**.**

Ziva watched the rain pound the side of her car. She was stuck in stand still traffic with only the soft sound of the radio to comfort her. Her phone died about a minute ago, immediately shattering her day and one of Gibbs' rules. If she thought about it, Ziva had not had a good day to begin with. The agent woke up to her phone ringing to find, after she answered it, that Eli had called. She sighed as she put her head against her seat wishing she her day could have been different.

"C'est la vie," Ziva thought as she listened to the rain pound against the window and tapped her fingers against the steering wheel in time with the beats of the down pour outside. Soon, her focus was brought back to the radio. She listened to Kelly Clarkson singing a song she knew a little too well.

_I will not make  
>The same mistakes that you did<br>I will not let myself  
>'Cause my heart so much misery<em>

Ziva, still listening to the rain, was reminded of the conversation she had with her father that morning. He had asked if she could possibly come to Israel to see him. She did not want to, because she would be reminded of her life before N.C.I.S., before she found her family. She knew her father was miserable. He had no one but his sister. He was alone. She knew she should see him, she _was _his daughter. But, like everyone else in her family, she had died, if not physically, than figuratively. She decided she would never let anything like that happen to her. She would always keep her family close no matter what the cost.__

_I will not break  
>The way you did, you fell so hard<br>I've learned the hard way  
>To never let it get that far<br>_

Ziva thought back to when her mother and Tali died. Her father had been so cold to her and Ari. All he did was push them to be better agents. He drove her brother to the point of treason. In a way, shunning people was how her father coped. She did not understand why, but he did. Sadly, her father's shunning people came with a cost, namely, Ari's life. She remembered the times she would come dangerously close to ending up like her father. She had learned from experience though, to give herself space to think, one quality she was thankful she had inherited from her mother.

_Because of you  
>I never stray too far from the sidewalk<br>Because of you  
>I learned to play on the safe side<br>So I don't get hurt  
>Because of you<br>I find it hard to trust  
>Not only me, but everyone around me<br>Because of you, I am afraid_

Ziva sighed as she listened to the chorus. Unwanted anger toward her father was rising up inside her. She felt that he was the cause of all her pain, but she knew that the idea she just formed was not entirely true. She closed herself off from everyone. She did not want to, but every experience she had taught her to.__

_I lose my way  
>And it's not too long before you point it out<br>I cannot cry  
>Because I know that's weakness in your eyes<br>_

Ziva thought back to when her sister died. She had been summoned by her father to his office and been berated for something she had no control over. Her sister had died and she had had no way of stopping it. Her father told her she had failed. She had told him he was wrong and nothing could have stopped it. The woman had wanted to cry from her sudden outburst of anger. She could feel the hot tears form in her eyes. Before she let them fall, she told herself her father would not approve. In her family, crying never worked. You cried for no one, not even your sister when she dies or your brother when he dies. What he did not know was, she had cried for both.

_I'm forced to fake  
>A smile, a laugh, every day of my life<br>My heart can't possibly break  
>When it wasn't even whole to start with<br>_

Ziva thought back to her conversation with her father that morning. What she told him came from pursed lips. She had no desire to speak to him today or any day. He had slowly crushed her heart from the time she was a child. Now, she had to piece it back together with whatever she could find, but she found it hard when some of the pieces had been carelessly tossed away over the years.

_Because of you  
>I never stray too far from the sidewalk<br>Because of you  
>I learned to play on the safe side<br>So I don't get hurt  
>Because of you<br>I find it hard to trust  
>Not only me, but everyone around me<br>Because of you, I am afraid  
><em>

Ziva again felt resentment toward her father as she listened to the chorus. She knew because of him, she would never be able to fully trust her new family. She always felt she would not be approved of by them even though they had shown she was loved numerous times. She would not admit it to anyone else, and could barely admit it to herself, but she was afraid of rejection. After being tossed aside and used for so long, she did not know if she could take that pain again.

_I watched you die, I heard you cry  
>Every night in your sleep<br>I was so young, you should have known  
>Better than to lean on me<br>You never thought of anyone else  
>You just saw your pain<br>_

Ziva remembered her childhood. The happy times were stored away in the recesses of her mind. She did not want to pull them out. What she did remember was her mother's death. She was now the caretaker, especially after Aunt Nettie left. Her father had expected so much of her, it had overwhelmed her. She remembered countless times when she wanted to get away, but somehow, her father would give her an incentive to stay. She realized early on, that he stopped caring about anything but work. He had had no time for his children anymore.

_Because of you  
>I never stray too far from the sidewalk<br>Because of you  
>I learned to play on the safe side<br>So I don't get hurt  
>Because of you<br>I tried my hardest just to forget everything  
>Because of you<br>I don't know how to let anyone else in  
><em>

Ziva watched the rain fall outside her window. She the sound of the storm against her roof was making the ability to remember anything about her childhood hard. She was grateful for the rain now. For once her mind could focus on her own life and not the torment that had been her life so far. She closed her eyes as she tried to think of anything to keep her mind occupied from what would happen when she got to work.

_Because of you  
>I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty<br>Because of you, I am afraid  
>Because of you<br>Because of you_

Ziva smiled as she listened to the last part of the song. She knew Kelly Clarkson had got something wrong. For the agent sitting in her car, rain pounding against her roof, and her cell phone dead, she knew her life was far from being empty. She had N.C.I.S. to keep her sane. As the line she had sat in for an hour finally began to move, she realized she could finally move on with her life. She was not afraid anymore. For all she knew, maybe she would see her father. She did not want to leave anything unsaid.

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